What happens if the decision is one sided? What happens to the party who can sometimes feel blind-sided by one person’s decision that they no longer want to be a part of this union?

Been there, done that. Only I wasn’t the one who made the decision to leave the relationship. It was my ex-husband’s decision. Okay, I helped him make the actual decision to leave (he didn’t have much choice), but the result was the same. Feelings of “what’s wrong with me?” are abundant.

So here are some things that will help you to get your self esteem back after a divorce:

1. Talk to someone.

The first step to resolving those feelings is to talk to someone. Bend a familiar ear…be it biased or unbiased. Whether it’s to a trusted friend, or to a counselor, getting it out verbally is a great start to regaining your sense of self.

2. Be Honest.

If you decide that you’re going to seek help from a counselor, make sure that you tell the entire truth about what you’re feeling. Be as honest as you possibly can. How can a counselor do his/her job properly, if you’re not completely honest?
Regardless of what you tell a counselor, he/she is not there to judge you, merely to listen and to offer some constructive unbiased advice if necessar. Not criticism, just advice.

3. Keep a Journal.

Writing down what’s going on in your head is also helpful, weather you choose to do that via paper journal, or online journal, both are helpful. I find that using an online journal is much easier, as I don’t write nearly as quickly as I type.

4. Get to know yourself again.

It’s typical to lose oneself during the course of a relationship. I know I did! So after my divorce, I took some time to get to know “Me” all over again. Do whatever it is that you love to do! If you enjoyed snowboarding before you were married, get back to it! If you enjoyed knitting, put aside some time to do that. Read some good books, enjoy spending time with new friends, go away for the weekend, go and be you!

5. Don’t let those negative feelings back in.

Once you’ve written down feelings that aren’t positive (“I hate him/her. I can’t believe that he/she did this to me.”) in a journal of some type, you’ll notice that if you go back and re-read those bad feelings (and we all do it at least once), you’re mentally and emotionally back in that place all over again. Re-reading the ugly details of my divorce for instance, used to put me in that mood all over again (I’ve since tossed that journal). So my advice with regard to writing down negative feelings, is to write them down, then discard them. Tear them up, burn them, whatever it takes, but don’t let those negative thoughts back in.

6. Meet some new people.

When couples divorce, there may be a feeling amongst some of the friends of that couple who feel as though there is a need to take sides. You may find that you will need to meet new people, and take a step back from that even for a short time. Get yourself some friends that you and your ex don’t have in common. My ex and I used to work in the same industry, and as a result, we shared a lot of the same business colleagues. So as soon as our relationship ended, I started my own business doing something that wasn’t related in any way, shape or form to what he does for a living. I feel like a zillion bucks .

7. Find new interests.

The next step to rebuilding your sense of self-esteem would be to find some new interests. Find something that makes you feel good/better about yourself. Kickboxing. Kickboxing is an amazing way to get rid of certain frustrations, AND introduces you to a new sport (I brought a picture of my ex to my kickboxing class, and taped it to the heavy bag.). If you enjoy being outdoors, you might consider joining a running club, a rowing club, or anything else that allows you to be outdoors while meeting new people.

8. Make peace with yourself.

Understand that what happened, for whatever reason that it happened, is done. Over. Let it go. Move on. Whatever kind of bitterness that may have existed when he/she left, is going to have to get lost or it will get in the way of your true progress. I know. I did it. Get past it. How do you ‘get past it’? By doing these nine steps.

9. Accept the fact that things happen.

No doubt about it. Bad things happen to good people, and vice versa. Stuff happens more often than it doesn’t. Nothing we can do about it. Can’t control it. Can’t keep it from happening. Accept it. You’ll feel better for it.

Debbie Burgin has been divorced for 5 years. She discovered upon the exit of her ex-husband, that her divorce was actually for the best. She’s discovered that post-divorce, she and her children are happier, and more relaxed in their lives. She runs two of her own businesses, http://www.warnerdigitalmedia.com, and http://www.debbieburgin.com, and counsels other divorced women to “get out there, and live life!”

Some of the benefits of online dating are:

- Shy or less sexually experienced individuals immediately get the choice to search their more naughty side.
- Free Singles Online Dating Sites allows a safe environment to allow individuals to exercise healthy and fun sex.
- Since it’s basically anonymous, Online dating sites offer a more easily accessible home for people to get together and be safe and have fun at the same time.

Just as adult internet dating sites has its set of advantages, there can be drawbacks to overindulgence. The negatives or dangers of online dating services, especially when it comes to cybersex involve:

- You don’t know who you are speaking to or sharing with – the net offers the same anonymity to you as it does to the wrong type of individuals.
- There’s been reports of cybersex dependence. People have been noted to taking this pasttime too seriously, or do it all day long.
- You can diminish the power to make real kinships – specially if you start wanting that type of anonymity for your sex life.
- It’s not safe to just get internet relationships. You can forget how to have relationships in the real world.

To see whether adult dating online is for you or not, you’ll have to look at the pros and cons. Just be safe and have fun – which I’m sure you will (have lots of fun)!

The easy and cliché thing to say is to pray and let the Lord work things out. In my pain I used to hate it when people told me things like that. I was already praying. Before the separation or the divorce ever occurred I was praying.

So when I’m feeling like my life has no meaning the first thing I like to do is talk to someone. It is very important whom you choose to talk to. It has to be someone you can trust with your life. If someone like this is not available to me I will often sit down and write in my journal. And in my journal I record my feelings and situations that may be affecting me at the time. I also try not to make an entry without writing my desires and a prayer to the Lord. This is great therapy. Sometimes months later I go back a read them and discover many times that God has answered my prayer.

Another important thing to do is increase my faith. How do I do this? By reading scripture. God says something completely different about my situation than what I see with my eyes. I read until I see things the way He see them. That is called faith. Before I know it instead of believing that separation and divorce has ruined my life, I am agreeing with God that, “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose”. (Romans 8:28)

Separation and Divorce are devastating, especially if you have children. I watched my kids suffer the affects of the situation. I was having a hard time. I can only imagine what they must have been going through. And if you have kids in this situation you owe it to them to sit them down and talk about it. They need to know the truth so they don’t blame themselves for something that had nothing to do with them. They need to be able to express what they are feeling. If you can’t help them with this get them in to see a psychologist. When it comes to your kid’s emotion health money should not be an issue. And if you don’t have the money there are other ways to get them the help they need.

Sometimes with separation and divorce it is hard to know which way is up. Hang in there. Your life is worth living with or without your spouse or your kids. But if you have kids you have a reason to live. You have a responsibility to live and succeed and you will.

Tony Tate contributes articles to http://www.1-on-line-dating.com a website focused on relationships and online dating. You may also find article written by Tony at: http://dating-and-relationships.blogspot.com/

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